Wedding Etiquette - Wedding Traditions
With Vegas elopements, second marriages, women as breadwinners and everything in between, traditional wedding etiquette can feel a little dated. When you add all the etiquette guidelines, these complicated rules can add tension and detract from what the bride and groom truly want for their big day.
There is a lot of confusion about what is required in a wedding and what isn't. It's important to keep in mind what is required,what you want, and how to get a balance of both. While not all traditions should be tossed aside, some can be adjusted to fit the bride, the groom and the year, 2009.
Now, lets review some etiquette tips, guidelines, and things to avoid.
Modern Wedding Etiquette
What we once considered proper wedding behavior was actually held over from the Elizabethan and Renaissance eras. Many traditions have gone out of style in the past thirty years. The following variations on wedding civilities are better suited to today’s lifestyle and varied personal circumstances.
- Vows:The obligatory phrase for the bride to "honor and obey" her husband has been replaced with numerous alternatives more reflective of equality in the relationship, especially when couples define their relationship in self-composed vows.
- Honoring parents: Jewish tradition for the groom to enter with both parents, followed by the bride with her parents, is being borrowed for Christian ceremonies. It acknowledges the importance of both parents and their contributions in preparing the couple for success.
- Wedding march escorts: If the father is unavailable or it is a second marriage, brides may walk alone or with another important figure of either gender. A sibling, mother, grandfather, son or very close friends make suitable escorts.
- Parents as members of the bridal party: There is growing acceptance of including parents in the bridal party, even as “man of honor” and “best woman” if that is what the bridal couple wants.
- Not necessarily two-by-two: Brides and grooms needn't worry about an even number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Feel free to include only your most cherished friends or loved ones, even if it means you will have three bridesmaids and he will have five groomsmen.
- Bridal Apparel: Theme weddings that have influenced bridal fashion; Burgundy, pink or champagne gowns, such as those worn for Renaissance-themed weddings, are becoming more popular. White and cream remain top gown color choices for first-time brides since the 1920s, but are also okay for second-time brides today. Brides should choose whatever makes them feel beautiful on this special day. Many bridesmaids applaud when the bride chooses elegant and slenderizing black for bridesmaids' dresses. Men are foregoing the black and white tuxedo for more practical linen or contemporary suits they can wear later.
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Wedding Hosts: It is increasingly common for both sets of parents to be named as hosts on the invitation. Along with that, there is more interactive development of the wedding guest list. - Showers: Once considered a terrible breach of etiquette, sisters and close family members (but never the mother of the bride) can hostess bridal showers when serving as maid of honor. Couple showers are replacing bachelor and bachelorette parties, possibly because so many couples are marrying later or for a second time. I like this sensible nod to equality and less emphasis on old-fashioned gender roles.
- The Reception: Now that brides almost never live at their parents' home when they marry, it is acceptable for guests and others to send wedding gifts to the bride's residence before the wedding. Some guests insist on bringing gifts the day of the wedding, so a table is set up at the reception for this purpose. Guests, please do not deliver gifts to the wedding ceremony.
- Wedding Toasts: Traditionally, guests toasting to the health of newlyweds are standard at receptions. However, newlyweds who toast to their parents add a very special reciprocal touch.
- Receiving Lines: This tradition has been on the decline in less formal weddings since the late 1980s. However, it will never go out of fashion for the bride and groom to visit each table to speak personally to every guest and thank them for their attendance.
If you are considering altering an accepted wedding or reception standard, ask yourself whether it will enhance the experience for you or if it will help you show appreciation to those who participate or attend. If the answer is "yes" to both questions, go for it.
Uniqe Twists on Popular Traditions
If you are like most modern brides, you want to keep some traditions while adding your own unique touch. Although some people frown upon not staying within the wedding etiquette rules, I believe a bride and groom have the right to add a sense of personality and uniqueness within their wedding day. Listed below are many traditional ideas along with modern ideas and tips for making them your own.
THE TRADITION: The marriage proposal comes with the engagement ring.
A NEW TWIST: It's not uncommon for engagements to be a much more organic process now, happening over a period of time rather than one spontaneous moment.
- THE TRADITION: Asking the bride's parents for permission to marry.
A NEW TWIST: In today's world, this prospect is more than awkward. Instead, call the parents and ask for their blessing, which allows you to be independent but not offend anyone.
- THE TRADITION: A registry should include "necessary" household items, like cooking appliances and china.
A NEW TWIST: It's okay to register for things you want, or even register at a travel agency for money toward your honeymoon. But, bottom line, guests will give what they want.
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THE TRADITION: Must send out a pre-wedding announcement, save-the-date notice and formal invitations.
A NEW TWIST: Tailor the communication to the guests. If the guests are all tech-savvy - save the paper and send e-mails. The point is just to get the basic information about the wedding to everyone involved.
- THE TRADITION: The bride's family should pay for wedding.
A NEW TWIST: Paying for the wedding can be more of a group effort. All parties involved should sit down and have a conversation about how to split up the costs.
THE TRADITION: Referring to the couple as "Mr. and Mrs. his name last name."
A NEW TWIST: You won't knock anyone's socks off if you include the bride's first name - like Mr. and Mrs. John and Sarah Smith. And if she is also keeping her last name, just add it in!
- THE TRADITION: Eloping is not really a wedding, therefore you shouldn't celebrate the marriage.
A NEW TWIST: Not true! Eloping is a wedding and just as legitimate as grand ceremonies. Couples who elope can certainly plan a reception for celebrating, invite as many guests as they want and expect them to show up.
- THE TRADITION: Bridesmaids and groomsmen should all wear the same thing.
A NEW TWIST: Most are coming around to the idea of thematic dressing, rather than everyone wearing identical garments. Have the bridesmaids wear what they want, as long as it is blue. Or tell the gents to wear the same color tie.
Things to Avoid
Now that we have discussed items which are acceptable when changed, lets discuss some common mistakes and things to avoid on your wedding day.
The Wedding as "My Day"
Almost every bridal magazine and advice tip on the Internet suggests that this is YOUR DAY. Implicit in that suggestion is that a little bit of Bridezilla is healthy, appropriate etiquette, and that a wedding is a venue for personal expression.
Throughout most of history, a wedding has represented many things, but only recently has it begun to project a couple's personal tastes onto their family and friends. Although a bride does play huge roles in the planning and coordinating of the wedding, the point of the wedding is to unite the bride and groom while making an outward showing of their commitment to each other.
Consider the point of a wedding, whatever you believe it to be. Does it involve the bride and groom at the expense of all others? Or, instead, does a wedding involve their families, perhaps their friends? Does a wedding involve the spirit of sharing and love for future children? Keep in mind that a wedding day is not only about you, the bride, but also about the groom, the families, the friends, and the holy bond you all share.
The Wedding as Fundraiser
Keep in mind a wedding is not an excuse to extort money from your friends and family. There is a fine line between registering for gifts and expecting gifts. If you do choose to register for gifts, be sure to select items which fall within a wide price range so every guests budget is included.
It is never appropriate to ask guests to pay for thier own reception meal. If your budget only allows for peanuts, mints, and cake then so be it. Don't select a lavish menu that your guests have to pay for.
The Wedding as Show Business
Is a wedding entertainment? Again, what do you believe the purpose of a wedding is? For many, it is a religious rite and at the very least, a formal ceremony.
Although it is important to keep your guests entertained and happy, don't get carried away with entertainers and fancy lighting. These types of vendors will increase your budget and take the focus away from the meaning and importance of your wedding day.
Overall, in today's busy world of weddings, there are many changes which can be made to the traditional wedding ceremony. With so many different ways to customize your big day, you will need someone to help you carry them out. Call me today so we may create a wedding package and ceremony to meet your needs. I can guide you through the modern etiquette world and help you create your dream wedding. Call me today!
